The living room had somehow managed to fit an under stuffed deep red plaid couch that had frayed holes along the arms. And if you stood behind the couch, you were already one step from the kitchen. It held a mini fridge and a toaster oven. And that was how we cooked.
But of course I didn't care then. I was a six year old little girl who simply adored sprinting up and down the single hall way. The single hallway that lead to two rooms. As you walked down the narrow ply wood hall, to the left was the snug office. Surrounded by a book shelf that lined the entire room, and was stuffed with a book in every space. On the furthest side a desk was placed, taking up half the room. As well as an overly large plush leather swirly chair.
I used to play simple games on the computer that lay evenly on the desk.
And if you walked to the end of the hall, you would enter the bedroom. The single bedroom that held my mum and I. I slept with her for the longest time, because we only had the single queen bed. But as I grew old enough to be considered a woman, we sold the queen for two single beds.
I first met this boy when I was whirling in circles in the office. The computer had gone to sleep and as I spun around, making myself sickly ill, I caught a glimpse of a boy's hair behind me in the reflection. I tumbled out of the chair, toppling it over with fear. I became scared, paranoid of what I had seen. I hadn't truly seen someone, it was a trick of the light.
But as I fixed the chair and turned around, I practically ran into a boy who was a head taller than me, with sandy brown hair tousled in front of his hazel eyes. He grinned then, pulling me into a tight hug, sighing with relief as he smelled my hair. At that moment I couldn't figure out why someone would love the smell of apple so much, but today I could understand why.
He pulled away with me still in shock. From closer up I could see he was a few years older than me. He looked as though he was nine or ten years old. He was very lanky, no muscle anywhere. No fat either. And he had high cheekbones that lifted as he smiled.
"Danny!" His voice was still quite high, but excitement laced through my name as he stared in disbelief. I felt so confused as to who this boy was. A neighbour? A school chum I hadn't taken into consideration? "Oh Danny, I'm so glad to finally meet you." At this point fear struck through me that I didn't know him. And that I never did. I started to call for my mum, but as I did his eyes widened and he ran out of the room. I sprinted after him, down the single hall and into the living room. No door was open, nor window, so I knew he couldn't have left.
But as my mum came rushing in with soil on her knees and daisies in her grip, there was no sign of him. I told her what had happened, but she laughed and told me my imagination sure was wild.
But he was real. I knew because he came again.
I wasn't as frightened, but I was still fearful of who this boy was.
As he kept coming, we would go outside into the forest surrounding the trailer and pretend to be professional archers. Or we'd play hide and go seek until the stars shone our way. Every time we'd play together, he would never come into my house when my mum was making tea or serving a meal. He told me he didn't want to intrude because she seemed like such a lovely lady. Of what I told him about her. I told my mum everything, and finally she asked his name.
"Matthew." I would say proudly.
But my mom wouldn't smile at that. Instead she would frown dubiously, turn back to the kettle or onions she would satee, Never asking about him.
We became best friends as a few years went on. We both were growing, and soon I was in middle school. My mum didn't believe that this boy existed. Every time I would promise he would come over this time, he cancelled and ran home. We made a rule not to enter each others homes, that our home would be outside. Together.
As soon as I'd get home from school I'd drop my bag and sprint out to the backyard. There on the same chopped stump would sit Matty, and we would go off on our adventures.
It became ours.
As we grew older, Matthew became quite tall. He held the same shaggy hair that he had when I first met him, and the same stunning hazel eyes. He did get more muscular, but thinly so. I became jealous of his body as mine became curvier, but he would always reassure me it looked better than fine. That it was perfect. And not to take any crap from any girl or guy.
We didn't go to the same school. His parents home schooled him, he would say. And I was fine with that. We saw each other plenty.
But whenever I would bring home some friends, I would check the stump and he wouldn't be there. He wouldn't come out when I had company, he always said how he would be intruding. Wrecking something so beautiful.
I told him he wouldn't be wrecking something beautiful because he was beautiful.
And I remember as we sat under the canopy of trees, he stared at me with a melancholy laced in his iris's. It made me sad. It made me want to know what was wrong.
But he barely spoke of himself. He would let me talk about my petty issues with guys, and grades. Eventually it became normal that we didn't talk about him.
It was like I was the main character of his book.
But as high school ended, he asked me what I would do now.
And I told him about the boy who asked me to move away with him.
And I saw the pride grow like a fire in his smile.
And I felt his love as he pulled me into his arms.
And I felt heartbroken when he pulled away
and I saw something flicker.
Him.
He stared at me expectantly.
"Danielle," He started, "I didn't want to come over, but I think I should now. I think I should."
He gripped my hands almost as though he was pleading, but without hesitation I said of course. And we went into the tiny cramped living space. And as my mum came home with dirt on her face she smiled at me and sat so close to Matty that I thought she'd sit on him. I gasped, fearful for a moment, but Matthew turned and grinned.
"Don't worry Danny."
My mum leaned over and kissed my cheek, and I realised what was happening.
She was ignoring Matty.
But, she wasn't.
She didn't see Matty.
Terror sliced through me, and I stood up suddenly, rushing myself for air.
Matthew raced out after me, grabbing my arm to stop me.
"Danny, I'm sorry!" His eyes plead, waiting for me to say something.
"What's going on Matt, what the Hell was that?" He winced at my words, but I had given him what he wanted;
my voice.
I trembled as he spoke fluidly.
"I love you and your mother so very much, Danny. You need to know that. And I am so absolutely proud of you for how far you've come." His eyes were swelling with tears. "And I'm so glad to see your bright future. Please. Please remember you have a brilliant future." Confusion shuffled through me. "Danny," He took a deep breath, "I'm your brother." I was about to speak but he cut me off, "--Danny, mum had a miscarriage before she had you. Several years before she even wanted to try again. And daddy? He left when he thought mum wouldn't get pregnant. She found out she was with you three days after daddy left." His face was faltering, "I wanted to grow up with you, so I waited here for you. you have a life Danny." I was shaking, crying with upset. Disbelief.
"Matty, no. No no no." I was shaking my head aggressively, "No! You're real, I'm touching you now!" He looked down at his hands and he smiled sadly.
"That's because you saw me when we were so young. You got used to me. I'm so sorry Danny. But I love you so incredibly much. And I am so proud of you. I want to watch you get married and have children, but I can't." Pain flashed through his eyes, "Every moment I stay longer, it hurts Danny. It hurts so much."
He was fading, in and out. I hugged him tightly, feeling the fabric of his shirt disappear through my fingers.
"Matty, oh Matty I'm so proud of you too. I never thought I could love someone as I do you. You are the most incredible person I have met, and I owe so much to you. I won't let you down, Matty. I owe you so much. So... so much." My sobs were clouding my speech, and I shut my eyes tightly.
I don't know how long I sat there, but after a while I heard the door slide open, my mum coming over and rubbing my back.
"You okay, sweetie?" I nodded numbly.
I dream of him often. And I still love him as I hold my son in my arms. I still love him as I hold the hand of my husband. I still love him.
Matthew, I regret that we didn't get to have a life together, but every time I feel a pressure on my hand I want you to know that I think of you. I think of you watching me grow up and even though I'm still so much a child, I love you no matter what. I love you Matthew.
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