Thursday, 25 June 2015

Yours Truly, Jenny

I adjusted my jacket and moved the rear-viewing mirror to check my hair. My hands smoothed down the brown spikes and I stared at my light blue eyes for a moment.  With nerves in my stomach I cleared my throat and pushed open my car door.  
I looked at the home in front of me and began feeling giddy.  I had been abroad for the army for about six months.  I told Jenny I'd be home withing seven, so she wouldn't be expecting me.  
I felt my dopey smile fill my face and I adjusted my jacket once more before bounding up the stairs to our home.  
I felt the small box in my pocket and I closed my hand around it gently.  
With a deep inhale, I knocked on the door once.  Twice.  Two more times.  How many times was too much?  I'm not hearing anything, maybe another knock--
The door opened a crack, and I was met with a familiar pair of brown eyes.  Her hair was a lot shorter than it was; no longer falling behind her.  It framed her face gracefully.  
"Danny?"  The shock from her face drained, and I realized I was gripping the box now.  
"Hey Jenny."  My smile widened. 
"Danny, I--"  She half-laughed and fell into my arms, "I thought you weren't coming home for another month."  
I inhaled the soft lilac that coated her and squeezed her against me.  
"I wanted to surprise you, babe."  I put my hands on her shoulders and pushed her arm length away to take her in. "You're so beautiful.  Oh my God, you're so beautiful."  I hugged her again.
She motioned me inside, "Come in, come in, oh you must be so tired."  Jenny wiped at her eyes and tugged me into our humble abode.  
Upon entering, I noticed everything was still the same.  The living room still had the old white leather couch, light wood coffee table and matching side tables.  The pictures above the fireplace were at the same angles and it felt the same.  It just felt the same.  Like home. 
That's when I noticed something different. 
"Hey, hon, where's--"  There was a excited yap and in a fluid motion a black blur whirled around the corner and into  my arms, "Luna!" The black lab nuzzled under my arms and sniffed me for what felt like forever, but that dog, my god, was the sweetest thing.  I played with her, letting her get out her whining and loving barks.  Finally she spun in my lap (with difficulty because she doesn't realize that she's not a puppy anymore.  In fact she's one of the largest dogs I've met, but she acts like a cat.  It really is the cutest thing.)  and rested her head on the ground. 
"Danny, when you left she got so sad.  She would stare out the window and just cry,"  Said Jenny as she leaned down to rub Luna's head.  "I'm surprised she didn't come out sooner, but she was sleeping.  So I think she assumed the door was just some random person."
I laughed, "What, you have a lot of random people coming over lately?"  
She squinted, "Just Lina and Jeff with their boys."  Her eyes widened, "They're expecting another!  Lina said she hopes it's a girl because all that testosterone is just consuming her femme fatale, also, my mother wanted to know when would be a good time to visit her and dad-- when you came back, but we don't have to decide anything right now as that would be-"
"Overwhelming?"  I interrupted while laughing.
She grew bashful and kissed my forehead, "Sorry, babe.  I know you just came home.  There's just so much to tell you and I missed you so much.  You got my letters, right?"
I nodded and reached for Jenny's hand, "I got them, read them, and held onto them every time I went out on duty."
She smiled with tears in her eyes. "Good."  Something caught her eye and her smile faltered, "Hon, why did you come back early?"
Luna turned on my lap onto her back, exposing her tummy.  I rubbed it as I explained, "I got shot on duty.  Went clean through my calf.  Hurt like a bitch- excuse me, it hurt a lot."  I corrected after her look of horror. 
"I don't care about you swearing, Daniel, I care about whether or not you're okay.  What-- how?  Are you okay?"  
I nodded, "I'm fine.  I was shocked when it happened and didn't realize it had happened because of the adrenaline state I was in.  A buddy stopped me and called in help.  I had to calm him down in order to tell me what was up."  I laughed again, but grew solemn, "He ah, he died while covering my ground when I was in emergency care.  Grenade."  My throat grew thick. 
"Danny... oh my god, I'm so sorry."  She pulled me against her, "I am so sorry."  I put my hand on her cheek and looked at her eyes. 
"It's okay.  I'm okay.  They discharged me and I am going to be looking for a therapist so I don't develop PTSD, or if I do have it then I can work through it."  I kissed her.  "I missed you so fucking much."  She laughed.
"Language, Danny."  We both sat there, hugging, kissing, talking, laughing, and every once in a while I ended up crying.  Or she would.  I told her stories about my travels and she told me about what had happened here.  
And we didn't notice how late it was until we saw the sun peeking through the window.  
We were exhausted physically, but mentally we were wired.  
So we went for a walk by the park.  See, it had this huge hill that let you watch both the sunrises and sunsets.  
And when the sun was high enough to bring tears to her eyes I went on one knee and pull out the tiny box. 
And when I opened it she cried. 
And nodded really aggressively. 
Like, I thought her head would topple off. 
And I put the small little ring on her fourth finger.  
And we fell asleep watching the sunrise. 


Thursday, 18 June 2015

Sometimes Goodbye Doesn't Have to Last

The flower you hold so delicately
has thorns on its stem as it is not so fragile.
The way you caress the satin petals
is as though it will fall through your fingers like sand.
The same fingers that pulls through your hair
as a habit.
But the moment will come when the petals will wilt
and the thorns will grow weak.
And your hands will drop
this limp plant
and it will lay by your feet,
fallen.
But memories last
and the silk that you felt
will linger
hesitantly.

The flower you held so closely
with the thorns that broke your skin
will always reside withing you.
You'll brush your hair
with the same gentleness
that stroked those simple petals.
But there will be another.
With more vibrant colours.
Striking petals.
A stem with less thorns.
A stem without a weight on its shoulders.

But maybe the goodbye to the flower with an ethereal glow
Is not a different greeting other than that of 'Hello'.

Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Tragedies

She sat on the wooden stairs leading to her home.
Her small fingers tapped the dark oak wood and she began clicking the toes of her Mary Jane's together.
She was so used to this place, for she grew up here.
Or, she grew up to her age now.
Which, seeing her short stature and little limbs, a person would assume she would be roughly eight years of age.
Which would be a proper assumption.
This little girl knew every nook and cranny within and outside of this house.
She knew the dark forest green paint chipped every summer and that he papa had to repaint it.
She knew that the wooden steps that she sat upon creaked no matter how little a person weighed.
She knew that when you walked through the bright white door you were hit by the steep staircase- also old dark oak, and when you got to the second floor and made an immediate right her room would be there.
She knew that if you decided to take a left there would be a bathroom.
And if you decided to keep going left there would be her parent's room.
She knew if you walked into the kitchen there was a loose floor board exactly six steps forward and three right, and under this floorboard was enough room for a little eight year old girl to hide during hide-and-go-seek.
She knew that in the endless forest backyard there was a 'cave' made out of logs and dead trees that she never did figure out how it was made before she--- ran out of time.
Her attention snapped away from her thoughts and she pulled the hand that was playing mindlessly with her long dark hair away from her face.
She never did find out what she looked like.  Oh no, see, mama had a belief about vanity evolving from when you were a young girl, so she wouldn't let her daughter look in any mirrors.
But her parents told her how lovely and cute she looked every day nonetheless.
Because compliments don't cause vanity.
She moved her hands from her sides to her dress, which was speckled with ash for some reason.
A reason she couldn't remember.  But she found it curious nonetheless.
The little girl's blue eyes looked in front of her now, as she watched a mother and father drive up to her home.
Curiosity spiked within her again as she watched the bug-looking car pull up the gravel road.
The car was a pale blue with silver trimmings.
She thought it looked rather boring.
Blue was such a common car colour at this day and age.
But maybe they'll make better cars with better colours.
Come on, Susan.  The man spoke.  She thought he looked rather dashing.  Slicked light brown hair with what seemed to be deep brown eyes.  Hm.  Handsome.  She had decided.
I'm coming, James.  Oh my... it really is in rough shape ain't it? The little girl decided the woman was Susan.
The little girl looked up at her house.  Rough shape?  Never.  The paint was just re-painted and everything seemed to have an unearthly pale glow to it.
She looked back to Susan and James. Susan seemed to hobble from the car, and as soon as she got on her feet she caressed her bulging stomach.
She was pregnant, the little girl decided.
She was a very pretty pregnant woman.  Her dark blond hair was braided into a bun and even though the little girl couldn't see Susan's eyes due to the large bulbous glasses she was wearing, she decided her eyes were as blue as the darkest pits of the sea.
She clicked her Mary Jane's.
Well the family before us... well I told you already.  It was devastating.  This was James.
Susan cleared her throat, I am not too sure about this, darling.  It could be haunted. 
But James scoffed and held out his hand for his darling wife and led them up to the oak stairs leading to the little girl's home.
 They paused, admiring the home.  The little girl watched them.
Susan was much prettier up close.  She had fleshy pink lips that seemed a bit too large for her face and a petite nose that kept her sunglasses up snobbishly.  But she was a very pretty woman, the little girl decided.
It'll take some work hon, but my gosh will it be worth it. James was glowing now.
Susan gasped suddenly, reaching to her stomach.
What is it?  What's wrong?  Is the baby okay? James lurched towards her, bringing her close to his body.
Susan's sunglasses fell off.
The little girl lifted the corners of her lips.  Her eyes were as blue as the darkest depths of the sea.
Black.
Yes, yes... it was just flailing.  Oh James, I don't know about this.  I feel really uneasy.  Like someone is watching us... As Susan said this she looked at the little girl sitting in front of her.
The little girl looked at her ebony irises.
And didn't blink as the woman and the man walked up the steps through her after the man cooed her into entering the home.
But when the little girl did blink and look at her home, the dark green paint was splattered with broken windows and beams that had collapsed.  The pristine exterior was black and burnt up.  The roof had half fallen off, leaving a large wooden rubble pile on the side of the house.
The little girl stood up slowly.
And she looked at her home.

A bright flash crossed her eyes and suddenly she was in her light blue nightgown, sleeping in her bed with light blue bed sheets.
She was very calm.
She was wide awake.
She heard it first.
A strange crackling that was unfamiliar to her, but familiar at the same time.
It was loud.
She shuffled out of her bed after pulling the covers off of her.
She leaned her ear against her ivory door and listened.
It was loud.
Carefully, in a confused state, she opened her door.
And was hit by a thick billowing column of smoke.
Startled, she leaped back, not shutting her door fully.
She could see the bright red flames licking the wooden floor.
And she realized why it sounded familiar in its unfamiliar state.
It sounded like the fireplace at Christmas time.
The little girl smiled a bit then, thinking about Christmas.
How, she won't get Christmas this year.
But how she hoped her mama and papa would get one.
She went to the wall furthest from the door and slid down it until she had her head in her lap.  She was coughing a lot now, as though her lungs were burning.
She was getting tired now, and the room was spinning.
The little girl brought her head against the wall, staring at the whirling ceiling.
It was a pretty ceiling.
A pretty home.
Her pretty home.
Then she saw a glint of something, and noticed the window.
Why hadn't she thought of the window?
She opened her mouth, only to be greeted by the smoke.
She was really warm now.  She had a thick layer of sweat consuming her.
She tried to get up, placing her hands on the floor to push her up.  But her arms gave and her knees buckled, and she lay on the floor.  It felt so cool.  She wondered if it would cool her down.
Her cheek was on the dark oak floor, and she could see the flames licking the ground around her.
She was hurting a lot now, she knew what was happening and she wanted it to end now.
She was closing her eyes now, thinking about how thirsty she was.
She tried to mover fingers.  It hurt, but she still had them.  They still moved.
And as she fell asleep she closed her hand around her pretty home.

Another flash crossed her vision.  She parted her lips, and she noticed how she wasn't thirsty anymore.
As the couple opened the door she could see the stairs stained black from the fire that hurt her.  From the fire that hurt her home.
She felt attachment, but understood what happened and understood what was to happen next.
She was closing her eyes, picturing her pretty home with the dark green paint and dark oak floors and light blue decor.
And she thought about her mama and papa and knew where they were they were okay.
...What did they do with the... bodies? Susan's high pitched voice broke her thoughts.  And she kept her eyes open long enough to hear James' reply.
The mother and father were saved in time, but the little girl-- Viola, the fire damaged the way to her room.  They couldn't get her in time.  They say she died from carbon monoxide poisoning before she was... too injured.
Viola felt herself smile and she closed her eyes.
Mama and papa have another Christmas.

Saturday, 6 June 2015

Your Story

There are so many possible stories that occur throughout your life.
Possible choices that lead to possible relationships,
Possible relationships that lead to possible romances,
Possible romances that lead to possible loves,
Possible loves that lead to possible lives.
And each choice you make
Shifts the new outcome.
For instance,
Deciding to take a leap of faith and saying hello to someone
you for some reason find intriguing.
Even
If
You
Don't
Know
Them.
The scariest part though isn't asking them how their day was, oh no this is easy.
The scary part is seeing their response.
From how their faces will either light up or grow bored,
From the way they shuffle their feet or clear their throats.
You only have so much power.
Half the power.
They carry the other half, even though it feels like they carry all the power.
You both need to step forward.
And even that is a new possible story.
Another story is if you step forward and they step back.
Or they step to you but you pull down a veil.
The hardest part is accepting who you are for them to accept who you are.
The hardest part is very similar to the scariest part,
But the hardest part is what you do rather than what they do.
But this is the mentality portion.
You have to build up the courage to force yourself to step forward.
You have to remind yourself to breathe and to stop shaking.
That's the hard part.
But the best thing about this story
Is the story itself.
The build up to events,
The reactions they give.
The best part is going to bed at night feeling waves of content and overriding joy fall asleep with you into pale dreams of a happiness you never thought you would have at this time two, three years ago.
The best part is that the story you are in is your story.
It is intriguing and scary and hard.
But my god,
It's beautiful.

Saturday, 30 May 2015

The Past, Present, Future

She tugged her thick wool coat tightly to her core as she trudged through the Serbian storm.  Her jaw was clenched shut, and she tried her hardest not to focus on the piercing cold attacking any bare skin.  Almost there, Atty.  Almost there.  Breathe out, breathe in.  A few more steps.  
She could see it now-- a tiny brown roof that seemed to glow in the middle of the snow.  Her heart leaped to her throat as her pace quickened. 
Yes.  Yes.  You made it.  You made it Atty!
Her breathing was increasing, and in a moment she was banging on the large oak door.  She tried to yell, but her throat was too frozen to speak.  She couldn't feel her face, and as she was banging on the door she felt her fingers begin to fade.  
No.  Come on.  Celeste.  Answer.  The.  Door.  
Finally she had to put her hand back into her coat with defeat.  
Fear hit her then, as she didn't know what was going to happen to her.  She was feeling rather sleepy, and she knew if she closed her eyes she would not open them. 
Suddenly the door flew open, and she felt a flurry of hands pull her into a shield of warmth.  
"Atty?  Atricia Belvrom?"  Atty saw a familiar pair of dark blue eyes, and then all she saw was black.  
There was a slight sound of crackling, and Atty wiggled her fingers reflexively.  Beneath her she felt a soft fabric.  Wool.  There was an overwhelming smell of campfire, as well as... lilac.  She parted her lips to speak, only to be attacks by the dry sandpaper that was her tongue.  
This pulled her eyes open with confusion.  The room around her was dim, with only a faint glow of orange.
She was excessively thirsty, but she couldn't for the life of her pull herself up.  Her legs hurt.  Her face was numb. Her torso was throbbing.  
"Drink this."  A warm voice cooed and brought a large jug to Atty's lips.  As soon as the water hit her tongue she was inhaling it.  
"Don't drink too fast, you'll just--"  Before the voice could finish, Atty rolled over and heaved up the water she drank.  
"Vomit."  The woman exhaled as a parent would a child, and began mopping up the water.  
Atty was able to see her now, and she was struck with familiarity.  The woman who was bending to clean up had long wavy dark hair that hit her waist, and the way she carried herself was with an utmost pristine confidence that only one person she had ever known would have.  
Celeste Ilik.  
"Celeste,"  Atty's voice sounded scratchy and raw, but she continued, "Cel.  Oh thank the lord.  I was hoping you still lived 'ere."  She broke into a smile and found herself fumbling into Celeste's arms.  
"Oh!"  Taken by surprise, it took a moment for Celeste to return the hug.  "What in god's send are you doing here, Atty?  No, ignore me.  You need to sleep and we can speak in the morning."  Atty didn't need a second offer, as she was asleep moments after Celeste tugged a thick blanket on top of her.

She was standing in a busy market, with a light brown shawl wrapped around her shoulders.  People were crowding past her, shoving Atty in no specific direction.  But for a split second, there was a break in the crowd, and she saw two little girls holding large baskets of goods.
Atty stepped forward, intrigued by these two figures, but as soon as the crowd filled out again she knew they were lost.  She stood still, listening to the clatter of the market.
A saleswoman was trying to persuade a few passerby's how rare her jewelry wares were, a man was juggling different vegetables and had a small tin can by his feet, little children were racing through the plaza while shooting peas at one another.
It was a comforting chaos.
All the stands seemed pulled together by worn wooden logs and rope, but there were a few ones that really caught certain attention.
Maybe one or two of the stands had large, royal blue fabric outlining their small walls.  And the intricate crest in the centre could only mean they belonged to Royal Family of Karadjodje.  Not surprisingly, people seemed to swarm around those booths in awe and wishful thinking to purchase wares that had touched royalty.
A high pitched giggle erupted from the pottery booth, and Atty saw the two girls pointing at different styles of pottery.  Atty could see them clearly now.  Both of their dark hair twisted into braids that swung down their back, and long brown skirts that collected the dirt that filled the ground.
But they were smiling so brightly.  Even with dirt on their faces, they seemed so playful and joyous.
A pang of nostalgia ran through Atty.
She watched the girl with dark blue eyes lead the girl with pale grey ones down the market street.
In a moment, the scene changed to a dark, small house.
She knew if she were to exit the small creaking door she would be surrounded by towering spruce trees and a few miles north would be a long winding river.
A sound caught her attention, and she turned in the dark.  She could over-hear whispering coming from the next room over.  She walked carefully, and reached out her hands instinctively to feel around her.
Atty felt the hard edge of a shelf, and she brought herself closer to the sound of voices.  Finally, she felt a small round door knob that she proceeded to pull open.
There, in the middle of an empty room with nothing more than a few cushions that were piled in the center, were the two girls with a small candle in between them.
They seemed a bit older now, maybe fourteen years of age.  Their hair was no longer braided, but free flowing down their shoulders.
The girl with the dark eyes spoke in a hushed tone, "Papa has been lookin' out for a marriage proposal for me, Atty.  He says I'm t' be married off to one of them lords."
Younger Atty's mouth quivered, "But you're just a girl.  And you are meant t'be watchin' me because if someone finds out where I came from--"
"No one's gunna find out, Atty,"  The girl reached over and took younger Atty's hands, "You're still safe.  B'sides, I'm sure your family stopped lookin' for ya.  No one survives winters alone, and you've been gone for so many years now."
"But Celeste--"
"They stopped lookin'."  Younger Celeste's voice was hard.  She spoke with a tone hinting that the conversation was over.
There was silence in the room, until Celeste's mouth twitched into a grin, "Papa said it may be one of Karadjodje's boys."
A gasp from little Atty startled her, "How can he do that?  You're a farmer's child.  A daughter of a farmer!"
But Celeste simply smirked and ran a free hand through her hair.
She never answered.
Instead she brought her finger to the wick, and snuffed out the light.

Atty was woken up with a gentle nudge, and welcomed by a hot bowl of porridge.  Relieved to see she still had her fingers and toes, she ate ravenously.
Sitting across from her was Celeste.  No longer fourteen, and no longer holding a smirk.
They ate in silence, and it wasn't until Celeste put down her spoon that she asked what she had been wanting to since she pulled Atricia through her doors.
"Where did you go, Atty?"  Sadness clouded her eyes, and she stared directly at Atricia.
She froze, her spoon to her lips.  Atty looked at Celeste, feeling the cool range of emotions she was giving off.
"Where,"  Celeste's voice cracked, "Where were you?"
Atty placed her spoon into her bowl.  "You told me you were leaving.  I had to... find a new place that was safe."
"I never said I was leaving anytime soon.  You warped it in your mind and you-"  Celeste covered her eyes to regain composure, "You just left."
"I didn't come to fight about who was in the wrong--"
"Then why did you come at all?"  She was pushing away from the table, flicking her dark hair over her shoulders.
"I heard about what happened.  I was working for a family by the water mill.  I knew you would hear of me working for them so I changed my name so when they spoke about me your family wouldn't recognize me."  Atty pushed herself up from the table, "And when I was sowing the wheat I heard 'em say that Miss Celeste's husband had gone on a trip for goods and hadn't come home this winter."  She stepped closer to Celeste, who had brought both hands to her face to stifle cries.
"You think he's dead."  Her voice was bitter.
"I think that no one can survive by themselves in these winters.  Heck, I barely managed to survive myself and-"
Celeste slammed her hands on the table, "You were stupid enough to travel through this god forsaken storm!  But my Andrew is smart, and he wasn't alone!  He has our dogs and another man-- Ludriv's sell sword."
Atty fell back to the table, sitting down.
Celeste picked up the wooden bowls and brought them to the compact kitchen.  Over he shoulder she called, "How did you get down here anyway?  The mill is as far north as crops can grow."
"When one of our wagons were being sent to the marketplace, I caught a ride in the back.  But I had to walk the rest of the way after they delivered the goods."
Her eyes widened, "Atty, that isn't a short walk."
Atty genuinely laughed, "Yes I know.  I almost lost a few limbs, Cel."
And then Celeste joined her laughter.  The air around them seemed to lighten and a comfortable silence lifted between them.
"Cel?"  Atty stood up and walked towards her, "What happened?"
"Well,"  Celeste brushed the back of her hands against her long woven skirt, "I heard you banging on the door, and thought it was the wind at first, but then I heard something crash against it so I rushed over to see what in the world had happened--"
"Not about last night, Celeste.  What happened with your husband?  Andrew, you said?"  Light left Celeste's eyes as she cleared her throat.  She pulled her shoulders back and gracefully pulled Atty into the small living area.
"He was in a rage when he decided to leave,"  She said once they were sitting on the cushions of a two-seated couch, "We had been arguing again about where to put the dogs.  We have four of them.  All Alaskan malamutes, so they're quite large, and he wanted to keep them outside, but I would not have their deaths on our hands if we could protect them.  But he didn't want fleas in the house, so I told him if they had fleas they would've frozen to death by now, and he got all red in the face, yanked open the door and told me he was leaving for a goods run."  She inhaled deeply and tried to brush her tears away, "He didn't say where he was goin'.  But I saw another man by our wagon.  And he had Ludriv's colours on.  Y'know, them red and yellows."
Atty nodded, listening intently.
"But he left earlier this week.  And the storm has only gotten worse."
"If he passes, you won't be sent notice until spring."
"He won't pass away, Atricia."  Celeste glared at her, "As I said before, he is a smart man.  With a swordsman.  And dogs."
"A man who wields a sword and a few strong dogs won't protect a man from frost."  Atty recoiled with how harshly she spoke, but regained herself, "What I mean is, there is a chance he can survive, but he has to be lucky."
Celeste didn't respond.  She simply stood up and began cleaning the room, straightening books and what little belongings she really had.
"Celeste... Andrew isn't a name of one of Karadjodje's boys,"  Celeste froze, "What happened?"
She gave a harsh laugh, "Like you care.  You bolted, Atricia.  You left."
"You know why I had to leave!"  Atty was sitting on the edge of the couch, "I would've been hung!  Or crucified, or drowned, or something!"
"That doesn't mean I didn't need you!  My mother was tried as soon as you left because you caused such a disturbance!  Everyone had thought she was a witch, Atty.  And then she was drowned."
The blood drained from Atricia's face.  Celeste was breathing heavily, gripping her skirt so tightly that Atty could clearly see the veins running up her arms.
"And that's when they began thinking I was a witch.  But they couldn't prove it because my father was an important farmer.  But then he stood up for my mother, Atricia.  And he was killed while rounding the pigs for the winter last season.  Shot through the heart,"  Celeste's hands began shaking, "His murderer said that he was seeing if his heart was in the center of his chest like a normal person.  Because witches don't have hearts."  Their eyes met, "But you would know that, Atty."

She was in a forest, and in front of her was a tiny cottage.  The stones were dislodged in a few areas, and it almost seemed like a pile of rubble.  But she knew it well.  Atty stepped forward, feeling the crunch of branches and leaves under her bare feet.  The air was crisp, but winter didn't fully envelop these areas.  It was too far south.
She saw a child, maybe seven years of age running towards her.  The girl had short dark hair tucked behind her ears, and large grey eyes.
The girl flurried past her in a long grey dress.  And she smelled a faint scent of smoke.
Looking back to the cottage, she saw a small line of smoke exiting the roof.  But she wasn't afraid, for she knew the house wasn't on fire.  It was the fireplace.  She knew that if she would walk through the narrow spruce door it would be immediately to her right, and a middle aged woman would be scrubbing clothes in front of it.  The woman may be sitting on her knees, or on a small worn cushion.  But there would be no man in that house, for he had died before this little girl was born.
There was a sharp scream that split the air, and Atty ran involuntarily towards it.
In the middle of a ring of mushrooms sat the girl, with a gaping cut from her ankle to her knee.  Atty saw immediately what had caused it.  But she already knew.  Even if she didn't see the jagged stick poking up from the ground, she would have known the little girl had tripped over her feet and caught her leg on it.
And she knew that the little girl was going to place her hand on her leg in panic and cry for help.
And how in a few moments the cut would seal and there would be no evidence of the cut except for dry blood.
The girl stopped crying-- and slowly she stood up.
And she left the fairy ring.

"Atricia?"  Celeste was snarling, "You come here and you don't even listen to me! Unbelievable."
"No- I'm sorry, Celeste.  I was just remembering something.  Please, please continue."
She hesitated, still angry.
"Andrew isn't a lord.  In fact, he was as poor as we were.  A merchant.  But his cousin is a duke."  She shrugged like that explained why she was still alive, "He offered protection in exchange for marriage.  I said yes in a heartbeat."  She looked away, "I love him... it took some time.  But I do."
She lifted her chin, "Really I should thank you.  I wouldn't've met him if you hadn't run off."
"I'm so sorry, Cel.  I didn't know your parents would be targeted."
"Yeah right, you and your freakish powers probably foretold you'd die if they didn't.  I can give you some blankets, but you need to leave soon, Atty.  I don't want you here.  This isn't your home anymore."
Atty noticed then how solemn this house was.  Celeste would talk for hours on how she wanted a home full of children.  But there were none. This wasn't anyone's home.
Atty's voice was a mere whisper, "Cel... did you two ever have kids?"
Celeste grew frigid.
She whispered, "They gave me something.  So I couldn't carry children.  They didn't want to chance it if I were a witch."
The same heavy silence separated them and Atty stood up.
"I'm so sorry.  I just wanted to come to see if you needed help until Andrew came back.  I didn't mean to be such a disturbance."  Atty began to pass Celeste to gather her heavy jacket, but Celeste gripped her arm.
"You weren't a disturbance until you decided to leave."

She was watching the little girl hurry to her home-- Atty's home, and she followed close behind.
Inside, just as she knew, was the woman kneeling by the fire scrubbing at stained clothes.
The girl passed behind carelessly, knocking a metal basin over.
"Atricia!"  The woman shouted as the girl hurried away, "Atricia, get back here and help me clean this up!"
Cautiously, the little girl entered again, mumbling an apology and kneeling down to help.
But the woman saw the scarlet colouring on her leg, and her brows furrowed.
Little Atty noticed this, and slowly adjusted her skirt over her legs.
Neither of them moved.
Little Atty glanced at the door, contemplating whether or not she would make it in time.
She brought her gaze back to the woman's.
The lady spoke, "Atricia... are you alright?"
Little Atty licked her dry lips, "Of course, Serena.  I am ever so sorry about knocking this tub over, but I remember that I had forgotten something outside,"  She stood up, "If you were to excuse me..."  She bowed and began towards the door.
"A slave girl does not exit the owner's household until they are dismissed or told to do so."
Her voice was cold.
Atty could see the little girl begin to look for ways to get out.
But the door was the safest.
"Of... of course, my lady."  The little girl responded.
"Oh my,"  Serena exclaimed, "I haven't run to the market yet.  I need to go collect some pieces of clothing,"  Serena stood up and brushed her long brown hair behind her neck, "It is supposed to snow soon."  They stared at each other, waiting.  Serena stepped forward quickly, and in a swift movement Serena lurched towards little Atty, and the girl let out a scream.
"Help!"  The little girl yelled.
Serena trapped the girl easily within her arms, and when the girl bit Serena's arm she cussed.
The lady spat, "How dare a witch be livin' on my lands.  I took you in and you have lied to me you piece of filth!"
The little girl got out of her hold and bolted to the door.  Being so much smaller than the woman, she dodged what sounded like a plate smashing against the wall.
She was outside in a blur, and Atty watched her sprint into the woods, her short dark hair fading into the trees.

She was staring into the ocean.  She always thought Celeste's eyes were like the ocean.  So blue and dark and endless.
But Atty had never seen an ocean, but she liked to imagine that the colour would be the same as Celeste's irises.
That night she slept on the couch, listening to the wind howl outside.
And the next morning she grabbed her coat after a swift meal, and opened Celeste's door.
Celeste was standing behind her, watching her leave.
They hadn't spoken all morning.
Atty looked over her shoulder, and caught sight of the ocean.
Celeste's face cracked a bit, and she reached out towards Atty.  They hugged for a long while, saying the goodbye that should have happened a few years prior.
And as Atty pulled away she said, "I hope your faith keeps your husband safe."
Then she walked through the doorway to the open sky.
The sky was a pale blue, clear of any clouds.
With each step she began to feel the chill of the winter.
But the wind had passed and the sun was shining.
She pulled her hood around her face and she began away from the market place, away from her friend.

Atty watched the little girl scurry through the woods, panting with exhaustion. She was confused as to where to go, but didn't want to stop running in fear of what would happen.
Serena would tell the towns folks.
If any lord or duke found out then she would be killed.
Hunted like a dog.
And Serena wasn't one to forget.
The little girl stumbled upon a strange home with tiny blue flowers dotting the front grassy region.
Tired and cold, she knocked on the door.
An old man emerged with a long white beard.  He squeezed his eyes together to see the girl before him.  He broke out into a tooth-less grin and motioned her inside.
"Ah, sweet little Atty."  But as he bent down, he pointed over the mountains and whispered something to her.
She nodded thoughtfully and bowed to him.  She then began walking north.

Atty was freezing.  But she was there.
Familiar blue flowers dotted her way, and she found herself before a compact home.
She knocked, just as before, and the old man appeared.
He smiled his tooth-less smile.
"Ah, sweet little Atty.  You're ready now."
He let her inside, the overwhelming scent of lilac.
And she felt relieved when he rose his hand in the air, flicked it, and shut the door.



Saturday, 23 May 2015

A Thought

I have always been told I am "Pretty cute" or "Pretty pretty."
And I have been told "You're pretty but..." and then have them drift off without finishing their thought.
As I grew up I always wondered why it was just "Cute" or "pretty".
Why was the glass so close to being full, but so far away?
Why wasn't no matter what I did make a person say I was something rather than partially something?
I still don't know.
And I probably won't.

Friday, 15 May 2015

To My Father

What an awful person I'm becoming,
I'm terribly sorry.
I guess I'm just in the wrong.
Always stuck between who I am
What I'm feeling
and how people want me to act.
I guess since it seems like I have been doing so well
you have forgotten what has happened
what is happening.
"But you're adult." You say.
"You can't live in college dorms.  Too many awful things happen there."  You contradict yourself with.
"I'm going to get a house with a basement quite for you to live."  You contradict yourself with.
And no matter what I say
Act
Or do
I will never
ever
be
or have enough
to convince you
otherwise.
What a terribly awful person I'm becoming.
I'm stuck
and my heart hurts a lot right now.
And I don't know what to say
because my emotions aren't proper right now
and you get angry with me
and say how I need to act like an adult
because my disrespect
is unacceptable
and I'm stuck
and I don't know what to do
and it's really hard to breathe
and I just need to get away
and you're pulling my by reigns
and choking words down my throat
so quickly that I can't answer
so I stay silent
so you get angrier
so I close my eyes
so you exhale
and everything gets quiet.
And I don't know what to do
what to say
how to think.
And you mutter something that I could only imagine
and you leave.
And I know that you've left a part of me in this room
and you won't take it back
and this will happen again
and again
and again
until you have nothing left of me
and I am nothing
to
you.