I don't know why I was excited for this. I mean, I was ecstatic for it, really I was. But when it started I... felt something was wrong.
This wasn't right.
But what did I have to lose?
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Journal entry 209
Mum is sick again. I don't know how she'll fair from being hit with such a strong illness a few weeks ago. She's still so frail, and father can't take care of her because he's been taking his week long trips into the mountains for supplies. He left four days ago for a strong strain of minerals so he can clear mum's system, but he won't be back for several more nights. I'm doing all the house caring right now, including taking care of the chickens and horse.
It was hard to clean the grass today because it was raining s'much. It made me want to hop on Ringer and trot gracefully into the clouds.
Mum said I need to stop all this dreaming nonsense because when I get out into the real world I can't take time for petty, unrealistic dreams.
The rain made me feel like she was right.
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Journal entry 210
Mum's getting worse. It's only been two nights since I last wrote, and I can clearly see her veins. It's scaring me because when I went out to groom Ringer, he had this pasty film over his eyes and he seemed very upset. He kept stomping and shouting, he actually bit his tongue almost clean in half.
The rain hasn't stopped.
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Journal entry 211
Oh I have amazing news! I was in the village square today, and one of the government officials was talking to the towns people asking if we would want a way to help our starving and pain. What a stupid, stupid, stupid question. Of COURSE we don't want to suffer any more! We all signed an official form asking for help, and he said he's send for the event right away. Everyone is prepping and getting oh so excited, oh my goodness I have to stop writing about this event because I have amazing news about mother. When I was in the village, the man spoke to me privately and asked how my life was. I went on t' tell him how my mum was very sick and how I would love to talk to him, but I needed to go take care of her. Then he asked me a strange question. He asked me if I loved her. I remember tilting my head confused, like he was telling one of those strange jokes that teenagers didn't get, but his expression stayed blank. I nodded. Then he gave me a vile after I explained what was wrong with her, and I thanked him so terribly much and ran off to mum.
I told her about the medicine, and how a government official gave it to me, but she refused to take it.
She always hated the government, so I knew she'd say no.
But I planned for that.
When she was asleep on the couch, I injected her. She didn't even know, nor did she wake up from it. She looks so peaceful.
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Journal entry 212
I got a letter today.
From father's partner.
Dad isn't coming home.
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Journal entry 213
I feel like a piece of my heart has been torn off. Daddy fell from the signal tower placed at the mineral station. It's set up there for emergency use, and I can't think why he'd ever have to use it. His partner, James, said that father was spooked because he thought he saw a strange shadow, so he rushed up the ladder, but when he almost got to the top, the ladder somehow shattered, and father's head split against the rocks.
I love him so much. Daddy, I love you so much.
And mum is acting strange. She's been sleeping on and off, barely eating anything. I think her body is just replenishing herself. She asked if I injected her, and I had to lie to her.
I checked on Ringer today and I had to call an animal caretaker to put him down.
He chewed off his own legs.
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Journal entry 214
Everyone gathered in the village today to talk about what was going to happen with rations and healthy living standards. Things are changing. I'm experiencing a major change! I feel like I'm on air.
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Journal entry 215
Mum is sleeping a lot more now. I haven't seen her open her eyes for over a day. I'm worried, I can't lose her too. I hope the medicine is helping her fight off this disease.
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Journal entry 216
She didn't make it. I called for help too late. I went to wake her to eat, but she wasn't responding. I was screaming at her. Wake up, I said, mum don't leave me! But when I ran for help, the doctor said she had been dead for two days. I haven't noticed that her illness got so extreme. Why didn't the medication work? Why have I lost everything I've loved? Father, Ringer, Mum. I can't live here anymore now, the house costs too much too keep up by myself. I have plans to be married off soon so I can have finances. I don't know who yet, though.
I've let my family down.
I've let myself down.
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Journal entry 217
They're calling it 'The Hunger Games'. The event that should help out our societies. They're taking two people from each land plot and calling them separate divisions. I don't know why they've split Panem like this, but I know live in district twelve. They recently moved all the chickens and animals to a different district. District two, I think. Since we're near the mountains we focus on coal mining now.
They pull two people tomorrow.
A boy and a girl.
I hope it's me.
I want to help my people.
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Journal entry 218
It happened. So many girls were too young to enter, so there were only twenty names to pull. I got pulled! As well as a boy whom I'm unfamiliar with. Chase something. Crawfoot? I think Crawfoot.
I'm so excited, we get to go to the Capitol tonight. We get to drink and dine and dance tonight.
We aren't going to starve anymore.
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Journal entry 219
We are allowed to bring two things with us into the event. I'm choosing my journal and charcoal. I want to be able to read what I have written as well as write what happens. Chase is bringing a hairband for his hair (it is quite long and shaggy blond) as well as a pouch of pebbles. I don't know why.
We drank so much last night, I think I've gained weight. It feels so nice to be full.
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Journal entry 220
Tomorrow's the big day, oh gosh I'm so excited.
Mum, father, you're in my prayers.
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I don't like this. I hate this, I'm scared and confused and don't know why they've set this up. There's cannons going off, I think people are attacking each other I don't know why oh god I'm so confused. Chase lunged at me before heading to the centre. There was this large pile of objects, they looked sharp and scary and I couldn't run there. I can only hear the announcer's voice saying that this is the first ever Hunger Games, and that the target is to take out our opponents, and the last man standing wins eternal happiness and riches and oh my god I can't kill people. I can't kill people. I can't kill people. I can't kill people.
I ran away from the centre. It's all rocks and trees. I fell down a cliff and I think I dislocated my shoulder. It hurts so much to move, but I can still wright. I had to bite my cheek, but I put it back. It hurt so much. I never felt a physical pain so badly before.
I hid for a while today, and when it got to be sunset I ran to the centre to see if someone left anything behind.
There were so many bodies.
Clutching things.
Knives.
Swords.
Darts.
I grabbed the darts because I was hoping they only knocked people out. Then I grabbed a bag that was filled with stuff in it, looted through pockets finding a pocket knife, lighter and compass.
But the compass doesn't work. It flies around everywhere and never stays still.
I'm afraid to sleep.
I'm in a rock nook right now.
I can hear screams and cannons.
But they aren't screams of pain.
They're screams of rage.
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I slept on and off through the night. Every cannon shot jerked me awake. At around midnight images of all that were killed filled the sky with our anthem music.
Why are they doing this? How does this help?
I've been walking around quietly now. But I think someone's been following me. I hear their steps. Right now I hear their steps.
I don't know why I was excited for this. I mean, I was ecstatic for it, really I was. But when it started I... felt something was wrong.
This wasn't right.
But what did I have to lose?
I'm trying to run now, but my writing is getting messy,
OH-
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