I don't know when I started to see you hurting so much.
I remember when I was younger, I would be downstairs with your best friend's daughters, and I don't remember you sitting with us.
I don't remember you coming downstairs smiling, in a soft t-shirt with a nice pair of jeans, nor do I remember you wanting to go out much.
But I remember your door being closed a lot, and when you'd come out you'd try to smile and pull my head to your lips.
I remember how you used to make me and my brother that hamburger helper almost every night because you couldn't cook.
I remember you gaining weight, then suddenly losing all of it.
I remember feeling the waves of sadness that you radiated, even though you would wear that red lipstick to emphasize your smiles.
But I didn't realize when I was younger that you were sad.
I was used to coming home to a babysitter, or staying at a friend's house.
I was used to not seeing you very often.
It felt normal.
And I wasn't mad at you for it.
When people asked me what was going on with my mum I would say
"She's sleepy, is all."
Or
"She's had a long few days."
But they weren't a few days.
They were years.
Mum, you've suffered for years.
And I didn't know when I was younger that you were depressed.
I didn't know until recently that you were sick.
I didn't know that it took you the majority of your living life to get the help you deserved.
And I am so, incredibly, terribly sorry that my younger self couldn't see.
I am so, incredibly sorry that even now I can't help you very much because we're trying to push each other up when we end up pushing each other down.
And I am so, terribly sorry that I make you worry.
I just--
God.
I just, I care so much that my heart hurts.
And I care so much that I can't not cry while I'm trying to explain what I've been wanting to say.
I remember,
when I was around fourteen or fifteen, when you told me about how depressed you got.
How you wanted to hang yourself.
But you couldn't because you know I would be the one to find you there, lifeless.
And you knew that would shatter me.
I remember,
when I told you about what happened
very recently,
and the fact that I had been living with the information for four-five years
and you began crying.
I remember so much, mum.
I am so sorry for so much.
And I 'm sorry for when I get such low energy, and such a low mood, that the few times we see each other,
I'm not really there.
It isn't you, mum.
It's my head.
It's my emotions.
It's the pressure in my chest.
That I've placed on myself.
That I inadvertently placed on myself.
I just need to say that I love you.
I love dad too... but I can't talk about him now.
Just like I can't talk about my brother.
Because we keep bruising each other,
whereas whenever my mood gets low around them,
it's like they're wearing a bullet proof vest, allowing my bullets to ricochet.
Our bullets don't ricochet.
Thursday 26 February 2015
Saturday 21 February 2015
A Strange, Beautiful Dream
I have a lot of dreams.
Weird dreams.
Not ones that take place in the supermarket and the can I'm looking at is for fish children.
Oh no.
It's like I'm in a different life from a different universe.
I think that's why I believe my body is sleeping but my spirit goes to a different dimension.
I was packing because I was visiting a home, and it was time to leave. There was a boy there around my age who was getting on my nerves, and I knew I had to talk to him before I left. When I got to his room to get my bag (I was staying in his room seeing as there were two beds, three actually, but I'll get to that) and he was sitting on his bed reading.
When I opened the doors his eyes flicked up and went back to his book. I said meekly that I came to finish packing. He didn't respond until I started packing.
"Do things ever confuse you?" He put the book down.
"Yes, all the time, really." I was unzipping my bag to put in clothes.
"Aiya, what if something were to happen? Whether you're on the streets or not... or, here's a better example," He scooted closer to me, "If I were to kiss something, someone, or you, what would happen?" His face was getting closer and he repeated himself, "If I were to kiss something, someone or you..." My eyes were fluttering shut and dammit! I couldn't open them! I wanted to see this! Why can't I open them! I felt his breath get closer and my opened slightly enough to see his lips. I felt a soft, beautiful pressure on my cheeks, and after a moment he pulled away.
I was almost disappointed he didn't kiss my mouth, but I was so wonder-stuck I still. Couldn't. Open. My. Eyes. I was getting embarrassed. Finally I got them open and he was smiling at me.
The scene switched to us laying in bed (No, we didn't do anything, I knew that much) We were simply holding each other, sometimes kissing. But I knew I had to pack. So I told him that, and began to get up.
He asked if I had to.
"Aiya, please."
But I tilted my head and said, "When I'm done we don't have to stress about anything."
Now, I know I said my dreams get weird, and this doesn't sound weird. It sounds normal. This isn't. First off, I can't speak to guys I like. I feel like I'm annoying them, so I wait for them to talk to me- which is sometimes. Second, we haven't got to the weird part.
Suddenly there were bangs on the door, and he jumped out of bed in a fury, panic swept through me as I got so very confused as to what was happening. Two ghost girls appeared (I knew they were dead because I just knew) and hugged me. The scene changed to a train. We were all in a train, and the man banging at the door (I knew he was a man because he was banging on glass doors) was still trying to get in.
There were a lot of us now; me, the boy, the two ghost girls (Who lived in the bedroom with their brother before they died of a sickness, again, I just knew this) as well as a few of my family members and closest, oldest friends.
The boy gave us this tube and told us to put it on our teeth.
Ha. Ha. We did it without second thought.
The man was still banging, oh gosh it was scary and intense and crazy.
When we put the paste on our teeth, the green paste made our teeth- guess which colour-- Green!
We were all so confused, and the train wasn't moving but we knew we would get to our destination.
The boy who kissed me pulled me off to the side and I asked, "What's going on (I said his name, but it blurred out in the dream.)?"
He hugged me and said, "Magic and Natural power go against one another."
And then I looked at the man on the opposite side of the glass door holding a laser pen, trying to get in. And it was melting through the glass.
Ohhhh. It made sense now. The boy had some kind of power (Probably intense charisma, but I never find out) and the man uses magic! And they're enemies!
The dream ends with the boy giving us new tubes of paste to make our teeth white again, but the colour is bright, glowing white-- like when Ross bleaches his teeth.
If you've been on my blog before, you know my name is Emily. In dreams I've never told my name to anyone, and it felt like it was me. But in this dream, I not only told him my name, but I said my name was Maiya. Not only was that weird, but I was given a nickname in it-- Aiya.
This is the real reason I wanted to write down this dream, because this has never happened to me before with my memory. I thought it was incredible.
Thanks for reading, you lovely soul,
-Emily
Weird dreams.
Not ones that take place in the supermarket and the can I'm looking at is for fish children.
Oh no.
It's like I'm in a different life from a different universe.
I think that's why I believe my body is sleeping but my spirit goes to a different dimension.
I was packing because I was visiting a home, and it was time to leave. There was a boy there around my age who was getting on my nerves, and I knew I had to talk to him before I left. When I got to his room to get my bag (I was staying in his room seeing as there were two beds, three actually, but I'll get to that) and he was sitting on his bed reading.
When I opened the doors his eyes flicked up and went back to his book. I said meekly that I came to finish packing. He didn't respond until I started packing.
"Do things ever confuse you?" He put the book down.
"Yes, all the time, really." I was unzipping my bag to put in clothes.
"Aiya, what if something were to happen? Whether you're on the streets or not... or, here's a better example," He scooted closer to me, "If I were to kiss something, someone, or you, what would happen?" His face was getting closer and he repeated himself, "If I were to kiss something, someone or you..." My eyes were fluttering shut and dammit! I couldn't open them! I wanted to see this! Why can't I open them! I felt his breath get closer and my opened slightly enough to see his lips. I felt a soft, beautiful pressure on my cheeks, and after a moment he pulled away.
I was almost disappointed he didn't kiss my mouth, but I was so wonder-stuck I still. Couldn't. Open. My. Eyes. I was getting embarrassed. Finally I got them open and he was smiling at me.
The scene switched to us laying in bed (No, we didn't do anything, I knew that much) We were simply holding each other, sometimes kissing. But I knew I had to pack. So I told him that, and began to get up.
He asked if I had to.
"Aiya, please."
But I tilted my head and said, "When I'm done we don't have to stress about anything."
Now, I know I said my dreams get weird, and this doesn't sound weird. It sounds normal. This isn't. First off, I can't speak to guys I like. I feel like I'm annoying them, so I wait for them to talk to me- which is sometimes. Second, we haven't got to the weird part.
Suddenly there were bangs on the door, and he jumped out of bed in a fury, panic swept through me as I got so very confused as to what was happening. Two ghost girls appeared (I knew they were dead because I just knew) and hugged me. The scene changed to a train. We were all in a train, and the man banging at the door (I knew he was a man because he was banging on glass doors) was still trying to get in.
There were a lot of us now; me, the boy, the two ghost girls (Who lived in the bedroom with their brother before they died of a sickness, again, I just knew this) as well as a few of my family members and closest, oldest friends.
The boy gave us this tube and told us to put it on our teeth.
Ha. Ha. We did it without second thought.
The man was still banging, oh gosh it was scary and intense and crazy.
When we put the paste on our teeth, the green paste made our teeth- guess which colour-- Green!
We were all so confused, and the train wasn't moving but we knew we would get to our destination.
The boy who kissed me pulled me off to the side and I asked, "What's going on (I said his name, but it blurred out in the dream.)?"
He hugged me and said, "Magic and Natural power go against one another."
And then I looked at the man on the opposite side of the glass door holding a laser pen, trying to get in. And it was melting through the glass.
Ohhhh. It made sense now. The boy had some kind of power (Probably intense charisma, but I never find out) and the man uses magic! And they're enemies!
The dream ends with the boy giving us new tubes of paste to make our teeth white again, but the colour is bright, glowing white-- like when Ross bleaches his teeth.
If you've been on my blog before, you know my name is Emily. In dreams I've never told my name to anyone, and it felt like it was me. But in this dream, I not only told him my name, but I said my name was Maiya. Not only was that weird, but I was given a nickname in it-- Aiya.
This is the real reason I wanted to write down this dream, because this has never happened to me before with my memory. I thought it was incredible.
Thanks for reading, you lovely soul,
-Emily
Thursday 19 February 2015
A Hunger Games Excerpt
I don't know why I was excited for this. I mean, I was ecstatic for it, really I was. But when it started I... felt something was wrong.
This wasn't right.
But what did I have to lose?
________________________________
Journal entry 209
Mum is sick again. I don't know how she'll fair from being hit with such a strong illness a few weeks ago. She's still so frail, and father can't take care of her because he's been taking his week long trips into the mountains for supplies. He left four days ago for a strong strain of minerals so he can clear mum's system, but he won't be back for several more nights. I'm doing all the house caring right now, including taking care of the chickens and horse.
It was hard to clean the grass today because it was raining s'much. It made me want to hop on Ringer and trot gracefully into the clouds.
Mum said I need to stop all this dreaming nonsense because when I get out into the real world I can't take time for petty, unrealistic dreams.
The rain made me feel like she was right.
________________________________
Journal entry 210
Mum's getting worse. It's only been two nights since I last wrote, and I can clearly see her veins. It's scaring me because when I went out to groom Ringer, he had this pasty film over his eyes and he seemed very upset. He kept stomping and shouting, he actually bit his tongue almost clean in half.
The rain hasn't stopped.
________________________________
Journal entry 211
Oh I have amazing news! I was in the village square today, and one of the government officials was talking to the towns people asking if we would want a way to help our starving and pain. What a stupid, stupid, stupid question. Of COURSE we don't want to suffer any more! We all signed an official form asking for help, and he said he's send for the event right away. Everyone is prepping and getting oh so excited, oh my goodness I have to stop writing about this event because I have amazing news about mother. When I was in the village, the man spoke to me privately and asked how my life was. I went on t' tell him how my mum was very sick and how I would love to talk to him, but I needed to go take care of her. Then he asked me a strange question. He asked me if I loved her. I remember tilting my head confused, like he was telling one of those strange jokes that teenagers didn't get, but his expression stayed blank. I nodded. Then he gave me a vile after I explained what was wrong with her, and I thanked him so terribly much and ran off to mum.
I told her about the medicine, and how a government official gave it to me, but she refused to take it.
She always hated the government, so I knew she'd say no.
But I planned for that.
When she was asleep on the couch, I injected her. She didn't even know, nor did she wake up from it. She looks so peaceful.
________________________________
Journal entry 212
I got a letter today.
From father's partner.
Dad isn't coming home.
________________________________
Journal entry 213
I feel like a piece of my heart has been torn off. Daddy fell from the signal tower placed at the mineral station. It's set up there for emergency use, and I can't think why he'd ever have to use it. His partner, James, said that father was spooked because he thought he saw a strange shadow, so he rushed up the ladder, but when he almost got to the top, the ladder somehow shattered, and father's head split against the rocks.
I love him so much. Daddy, I love you so much.
And mum is acting strange. She's been sleeping on and off, barely eating anything. I think her body is just replenishing herself. She asked if I injected her, and I had to lie to her.
I checked on Ringer today and I had to call an animal caretaker to put him down.
He chewed off his own legs.
________________________________
Journal entry 214
Everyone gathered in the village today to talk about what was going to happen with rations and healthy living standards. Things are changing. I'm experiencing a major change! I feel like I'm on air.
________________________________
Journal entry 215
Mum is sleeping a lot more now. I haven't seen her open her eyes for over a day. I'm worried, I can't lose her too. I hope the medicine is helping her fight off this disease.
_________________________________
Journal entry 216
She didn't make it. I called for help too late. I went to wake her to eat, but she wasn't responding. I was screaming at her. Wake up, I said, mum don't leave me! But when I ran for help, the doctor said she had been dead for two days. I haven't noticed that her illness got so extreme. Why didn't the medication work? Why have I lost everything I've loved? Father, Ringer, Mum. I can't live here anymore now, the house costs too much too keep up by myself. I have plans to be married off soon so I can have finances. I don't know who yet, though.
I've let my family down.
I've let myself down.
________________________________
Journal entry 217
They're calling it 'The Hunger Games'. The event that should help out our societies. They're taking two people from each land plot and calling them separate divisions. I don't know why they've split Panem like this, but I know live in district twelve. They recently moved all the chickens and animals to a different district. District two, I think. Since we're near the mountains we focus on coal mining now.
They pull two people tomorrow.
A boy and a girl.
I hope it's me.
I want to help my people.
_______________________________
Journal entry 218
It happened. So many girls were too young to enter, so there were only twenty names to pull. I got pulled! As well as a boy whom I'm unfamiliar with. Chase something. Crawfoot? I think Crawfoot.
I'm so excited, we get to go to the Capitol tonight. We get to drink and dine and dance tonight.
We aren't going to starve anymore.
_______________________________
Journal entry 219
We are allowed to bring two things with us into the event. I'm choosing my journal and charcoal. I want to be able to read what I have written as well as write what happens. Chase is bringing a hairband for his hair (it is quite long and shaggy blond) as well as a pouch of pebbles. I don't know why.
We drank so much last night, I think I've gained weight. It feels so nice to be full.
________________________________
Journal entry 220
Tomorrow's the big day, oh gosh I'm so excited.
Mum, father, you're in my prayers.
________________________________
I don't like this. I hate this, I'm scared and confused and don't know why they've set this up. There's cannons going off, I think people are attacking each other I don't know why oh god I'm so confused. Chase lunged at me before heading to the centre. There was this large pile of objects, they looked sharp and scary and I couldn't run there. I can only hear the announcer's voice saying that this is the first ever Hunger Games, and that the target is to take out our opponents, and the last man standing wins eternal happiness and riches and oh my god I can't kill people. I can't kill people. I can't kill people. I can't kill people.
I ran away from the centre. It's all rocks and trees. I fell down a cliff and I think I dislocated my shoulder. It hurts so much to move, but I can still wright. I had to bite my cheek, but I put it back. It hurt so much. I never felt a physical pain so badly before.
I hid for a while today, and when it got to be sunset I ran to the centre to see if someone left anything behind.
There were so many bodies.
Clutching things.
Knives.
Swords.
Darts.
I grabbed the darts because I was hoping they only knocked people out. Then I grabbed a bag that was filled with stuff in it, looted through pockets finding a pocket knife, lighter and compass.
But the compass doesn't work. It flies around everywhere and never stays still.
I'm afraid to sleep.
I'm in a rock nook right now.
I can hear screams and cannons.
But they aren't screams of pain.
They're screams of rage.
_______________________________
I slept on and off through the night. Every cannon shot jerked me awake. At around midnight images of all that were killed filled the sky with our anthem music.
Why are they doing this? How does this help?
I've been walking around quietly now. But I think someone's been following me. I hear their steps. Right now I hear their steps.
I don't know why I was excited for this. I mean, I was ecstatic for it, really I was. But when it started I... felt something was wrong.
This wasn't right.
But what did I have to lose?
I'm trying to run now, but my writing is getting messy,
OH-
This wasn't right.
But what did I have to lose?
________________________________
Journal entry 209
Mum is sick again. I don't know how she'll fair from being hit with such a strong illness a few weeks ago. She's still so frail, and father can't take care of her because he's been taking his week long trips into the mountains for supplies. He left four days ago for a strong strain of minerals so he can clear mum's system, but he won't be back for several more nights. I'm doing all the house caring right now, including taking care of the chickens and horse.
It was hard to clean the grass today because it was raining s'much. It made me want to hop on Ringer and trot gracefully into the clouds.
Mum said I need to stop all this dreaming nonsense because when I get out into the real world I can't take time for petty, unrealistic dreams.
The rain made me feel like she was right.
________________________________
Journal entry 210
Mum's getting worse. It's only been two nights since I last wrote, and I can clearly see her veins. It's scaring me because when I went out to groom Ringer, he had this pasty film over his eyes and he seemed very upset. He kept stomping and shouting, he actually bit his tongue almost clean in half.
The rain hasn't stopped.
________________________________
Journal entry 211
Oh I have amazing news! I was in the village square today, and one of the government officials was talking to the towns people asking if we would want a way to help our starving and pain. What a stupid, stupid, stupid question. Of COURSE we don't want to suffer any more! We all signed an official form asking for help, and he said he's send for the event right away. Everyone is prepping and getting oh so excited, oh my goodness I have to stop writing about this event because I have amazing news about mother. When I was in the village, the man spoke to me privately and asked how my life was. I went on t' tell him how my mum was very sick and how I would love to talk to him, but I needed to go take care of her. Then he asked me a strange question. He asked me if I loved her. I remember tilting my head confused, like he was telling one of those strange jokes that teenagers didn't get, but his expression stayed blank. I nodded. Then he gave me a vile after I explained what was wrong with her, and I thanked him so terribly much and ran off to mum.
I told her about the medicine, and how a government official gave it to me, but she refused to take it.
She always hated the government, so I knew she'd say no.
But I planned for that.
When she was asleep on the couch, I injected her. She didn't even know, nor did she wake up from it. She looks so peaceful.
________________________________
Journal entry 212
I got a letter today.
From father's partner.
Dad isn't coming home.
________________________________
Journal entry 213
I feel like a piece of my heart has been torn off. Daddy fell from the signal tower placed at the mineral station. It's set up there for emergency use, and I can't think why he'd ever have to use it. His partner, James, said that father was spooked because he thought he saw a strange shadow, so he rushed up the ladder, but when he almost got to the top, the ladder somehow shattered, and father's head split against the rocks.
I love him so much. Daddy, I love you so much.
And mum is acting strange. She's been sleeping on and off, barely eating anything. I think her body is just replenishing herself. She asked if I injected her, and I had to lie to her.
I checked on Ringer today and I had to call an animal caretaker to put him down.
He chewed off his own legs.
________________________________
Journal entry 214
Everyone gathered in the village today to talk about what was going to happen with rations and healthy living standards. Things are changing. I'm experiencing a major change! I feel like I'm on air.
________________________________
Journal entry 215
Mum is sleeping a lot more now. I haven't seen her open her eyes for over a day. I'm worried, I can't lose her too. I hope the medicine is helping her fight off this disease.
_________________________________
Journal entry 216
She didn't make it. I called for help too late. I went to wake her to eat, but she wasn't responding. I was screaming at her. Wake up, I said, mum don't leave me! But when I ran for help, the doctor said she had been dead for two days. I haven't noticed that her illness got so extreme. Why didn't the medication work? Why have I lost everything I've loved? Father, Ringer, Mum. I can't live here anymore now, the house costs too much too keep up by myself. I have plans to be married off soon so I can have finances. I don't know who yet, though.
I've let my family down.
I've let myself down.
________________________________
Journal entry 217
They're calling it 'The Hunger Games'. The event that should help out our societies. They're taking two people from each land plot and calling them separate divisions. I don't know why they've split Panem like this, but I know live in district twelve. They recently moved all the chickens and animals to a different district. District two, I think. Since we're near the mountains we focus on coal mining now.
They pull two people tomorrow.
A boy and a girl.
I hope it's me.
I want to help my people.
_______________________________
Journal entry 218
It happened. So many girls were too young to enter, so there were only twenty names to pull. I got pulled! As well as a boy whom I'm unfamiliar with. Chase something. Crawfoot? I think Crawfoot.
I'm so excited, we get to go to the Capitol tonight. We get to drink and dine and dance tonight.
We aren't going to starve anymore.
_______________________________
Journal entry 219
We are allowed to bring two things with us into the event. I'm choosing my journal and charcoal. I want to be able to read what I have written as well as write what happens. Chase is bringing a hairband for his hair (it is quite long and shaggy blond) as well as a pouch of pebbles. I don't know why.
We drank so much last night, I think I've gained weight. It feels so nice to be full.
________________________________
Journal entry 220
Tomorrow's the big day, oh gosh I'm so excited.
Mum, father, you're in my prayers.
________________________________
I don't like this. I hate this, I'm scared and confused and don't know why they've set this up. There's cannons going off, I think people are attacking each other I don't know why oh god I'm so confused. Chase lunged at me before heading to the centre. There was this large pile of objects, they looked sharp and scary and I couldn't run there. I can only hear the announcer's voice saying that this is the first ever Hunger Games, and that the target is to take out our opponents, and the last man standing wins eternal happiness and riches and oh my god I can't kill people. I can't kill people. I can't kill people. I can't kill people.
I ran away from the centre. It's all rocks and trees. I fell down a cliff and I think I dislocated my shoulder. It hurts so much to move, but I can still wright. I had to bite my cheek, but I put it back. It hurt so much. I never felt a physical pain so badly before.
I hid for a while today, and when it got to be sunset I ran to the centre to see if someone left anything behind.
There were so many bodies.
Clutching things.
Knives.
Swords.
Darts.
I grabbed the darts because I was hoping they only knocked people out. Then I grabbed a bag that was filled with stuff in it, looted through pockets finding a pocket knife, lighter and compass.
But the compass doesn't work. It flies around everywhere and never stays still.
I'm afraid to sleep.
I'm in a rock nook right now.
I can hear screams and cannons.
But they aren't screams of pain.
They're screams of rage.
_______________________________
I slept on and off through the night. Every cannon shot jerked me awake. At around midnight images of all that were killed filled the sky with our anthem music.
Why are they doing this? How does this help?
I've been walking around quietly now. But I think someone's been following me. I hear their steps. Right now I hear their steps.
I don't know why I was excited for this. I mean, I was ecstatic for it, really I was. But when it started I... felt something was wrong.
This wasn't right.
But what did I have to lose?
I'm trying to run now, but my writing is getting messy,
OH-
Things to Remember; Emily
I did not make this list, and I don't know who did, but I take no credit for it and I am simply posting it because I have fallen in love with all of these words.
- Quiescent - a quiet, soft-spoken soul.
- Chimerical - merely imaginary; fanciful.
- Susurrus - a whispering or rustling sound.
- Raconteur - one who excels in story-telling.
- Clinquant - glittering; tinsel-like.
- Aubade - a song greeting the dawn.
- Ephemeral - lasting a very short time.
- Sempiternal - everlasting; eternal.
- Euphonious - pleasing; sweet in sound.
- Billet-doux - a love letter.
- Redamancy - act of loving in return.
Monday 16 February 2015
An Undead Tale
Panic struck me as I rolled over, pulled the safety off my hand gun and was deafened suddenly by the three quick shots I released.
The body dropped on top of me, the hundred-and-eighty-something pound man pinning me to the ground. His rotten smell enveloped my nose causing me to gag. But I knew I had to hold it down, otherwise I'd suffocate in my own stomach waste.
I shimmied my left hand into the inner side of my pant waist, tugging out a worn dagger and stabbing the man's gut to push him off.
With great strain his body slowly slumped to the side, allowing me to turn over and hurl.
What little that was in my stomach was now under me, and my body felt exhausted.
That was the second close-call in the past day that almost sent me to my own immortal death.
"Fuck!" I spat, punching the cement beneath me, "Fucking fuck!"
I gasped and sat on my heels, looking up at the setting sun. There was a stale taste in my mouth, and I didn't want to waste the water I had to rinse it out, so I pulled out a cigarette instead while adjusting myself to be able to see my ankle. Or in other words, the ankle that the man had grabbed.
Relief filled me as I realized he hadn't broken my skin with his filthy nails that were filled with this disease.
I remember sitting at home with my brother when we were younger saying how the world needed something to purge people. I know that's awful, honest I do, but we were young and heard all about over population issues and all of these terrorist threats.
When the virus hit the news, it seemed like a blessing.
But it wasn't.
It wasn't a blessing because it wasn't natural.
A blessing is something from the natural world that brings a person luck or sense of calm.
This was neither.
I pushed myself up, setting into a steady jog across this street. All the doors of the large houses were bolted down with wooden planks, metal poles and simple cardboard. As the sun kept setting, my panic was returning.
I remember when it was the sixth night when the disease started, we weren't too scared because media hyped things up, we knew that. We knew that. But when I was in bed, the front door started banging. Really, really aggressively. It woke my fifteen-year-old self, as well as my older brother. Mum and dad were already up, they were always arguing and for the past few days they were arguing about whether to stay at home or visit our grandparents. But I was really scared. Adrenaline hit me, see? And my heart was racing. My brother's room was right next to mine, and I rushed into his room full of fear, to see that he was in his clothes, a backpack on his back and his sword on his waist. He got that sword for his ninth birthday. He loved Japanese culture, so a family friend got him an antique katana. He looked at me when I walked in and asked if I was okay. I hugged him.
Dad when to check the door.
That was the first mistake.
That was the first damned mistake.
The thing lunged at him.
It didn't bit him anywhere.
It tore him a part.
Drove its hands into his chest with its nails. Mum ran down to help him, but they travel in packs. They're smart. They're very smart.
My brother and I stayed in his room.
My breath was coming quicker, I was running faster. The sun was almost gone. I finally saw the lighthouse. Thank fuck.
But like I said, they're smart. This disease... I know people would call them zombies. I know people get angry when shows call them 'walkers' or 'undead' but I can't use the term zombie. The disease is a strain of rabies and tumour cells. The people who made it thought the two could cancel out one another. But it made a mecha-virus. A terrifying virus. The cancer cells multiplied muscle cells and tissue as well as rapid brain cell growth. It protected their minds while giving increased strength and longer limbs. Then the rabies... it made them crazed. Rapid movement, sharper teeth and longer nails. It shut down the analytical mind and amplified the murderous, kill-or-be-killed. Then once they began eating flesh like cannibals, it warped their sense of sanity to the extreme, just like how cannibals are affected.
As I reached the water to the lighthouse I dove in without hesitation, swimming to the little island. And by the time I made it to the door, the sky was purple.
My brother was always into dressing up as a superhero- spiderman, batman-- even as a Jedi master. He had his sword ready as I quivered behind him, we both were watching the door.
We heard and saw the door shaking. I felt tears forming. He was sturdy. Finally, the doorknob began turning. Really slowly. I thought about how in movies they did this to create suspense, but it was the killer toying with the prey. The door shot open and the thing jumped at my brother. I remember screaming as he swung his sword against the man's head. It was rusty, but it cracked his skull and he dropped. My brother was heaving. More were coming through the door and he was slicing them. When there was a break he shoved me, his backpack and something I didn't see under his bed, and he pushed several dead bodies over the bottom so I couldn't be seen or smelled. And I was trying not to cry. I was confused as to why he wasn't hiding with me. But I waited under the bed for days. Waited for him to get me. Waited for me to stop being afraid. But finally, I pushed out from under the bed, and stood up.
My legs were sore, as well as me back. I tucked the little package he left into the bag and looked around and grabbed what I could. I also checked around the entire house for useful items. By the time I got to the front door, I noticed that mum and dad were tucked on the couch, looking like they were asleep, and the front door closed. I sighed and opened it while saying goodbye to mum and dad.
I threw my shoulder against the door, falling into the lighthouse. Up, up, up I went. Finding my little sleeping ground by the rotating light. I sat on my sleeping bag, looking through my backpack. At the bottom was the little package my brother left me.
I added another day to my journal.
It had been Seven Hundred and Eighty-Two Days.
Just over two years.
I sighed and pulled out the package. He would be Twenty today.
I opened the package for the second time and reread the note inside of it.
Keep going, Isabelle, I'm out there. I love you. I'll find you by grandma's as soon as possible. When you get there, wait for me. I'll be waiting for you too. But you need to get to -----
I dropped the package in water before I read it. But I'll get there. The sentence after talks about me meeting someone. Someone by town hall. The lighthouse is a thirty minute walk to town hall, and I sit there all day, and come back here to sleep. I've been doing it for two years.
I heard the Lighthouse door open, fear slicing through my skull. I grabbed the knife and huddled against the wall, waiting.
When the virus hit the news, it seemed like a blessing.
But it wasn't.
It wasn't a blessing because it wasn't natural.
A blessing is something from the natural world that brings a person luck or sense of calm.
This was neither.
I pushed myself up, setting into a steady jog across this street. All the doors of the large houses were bolted down with wooden planks, metal poles and simple cardboard. As the sun kept setting, my panic was returning.
I remember when it was the sixth night when the disease started, we weren't too scared because media hyped things up, we knew that. We knew that. But when I was in bed, the front door started banging. Really, really aggressively. It woke my fifteen-year-old self, as well as my older brother. Mum and dad were already up, they were always arguing and for the past few days they were arguing about whether to stay at home or visit our grandparents. But I was really scared. Adrenaline hit me, see? And my heart was racing. My brother's room was right next to mine, and I rushed into his room full of fear, to see that he was in his clothes, a backpack on his back and his sword on his waist. He got that sword for his ninth birthday. He loved Japanese culture, so a family friend got him an antique katana. He looked at me when I walked in and asked if I was okay. I hugged him.
Dad when to check the door.
That was the first mistake.
That was the first damned mistake.
The thing lunged at him.
It didn't bit him anywhere.
It tore him a part.
Drove its hands into his chest with its nails. Mum ran down to help him, but they travel in packs. They're smart. They're very smart.
My brother and I stayed in his room.
My breath was coming quicker, I was running faster. The sun was almost gone. I finally saw the lighthouse. Thank fuck.
But like I said, they're smart. This disease... I know people would call them zombies. I know people get angry when shows call them 'walkers' or 'undead' but I can't use the term zombie. The disease is a strain of rabies and tumour cells. The people who made it thought the two could cancel out one another. But it made a mecha-virus. A terrifying virus. The cancer cells multiplied muscle cells and tissue as well as rapid brain cell growth. It protected their minds while giving increased strength and longer limbs. Then the rabies... it made them crazed. Rapid movement, sharper teeth and longer nails. It shut down the analytical mind and amplified the murderous, kill-or-be-killed. Then once they began eating flesh like cannibals, it warped their sense of sanity to the extreme, just like how cannibals are affected.
As I reached the water to the lighthouse I dove in without hesitation, swimming to the little island. And by the time I made it to the door, the sky was purple.
My brother was always into dressing up as a superhero- spiderman, batman-- even as a Jedi master. He had his sword ready as I quivered behind him, we both were watching the door.
We heard and saw the door shaking. I felt tears forming. He was sturdy. Finally, the doorknob began turning. Really slowly. I thought about how in movies they did this to create suspense, but it was the killer toying with the prey. The door shot open and the thing jumped at my brother. I remember screaming as he swung his sword against the man's head. It was rusty, but it cracked his skull and he dropped. My brother was heaving. More were coming through the door and he was slicing them. When there was a break he shoved me, his backpack and something I didn't see under his bed, and he pushed several dead bodies over the bottom so I couldn't be seen or smelled. And I was trying not to cry. I was confused as to why he wasn't hiding with me. But I waited under the bed for days. Waited for him to get me. Waited for me to stop being afraid. But finally, I pushed out from under the bed, and stood up.
My legs were sore, as well as me back. I tucked the little package he left into the bag and looked around and grabbed what I could. I also checked around the entire house for useful items. By the time I got to the front door, I noticed that mum and dad were tucked on the couch, looking like they were asleep, and the front door closed. I sighed and opened it while saying goodbye to mum and dad.
I threw my shoulder against the door, falling into the lighthouse. Up, up, up I went. Finding my little sleeping ground by the rotating light. I sat on my sleeping bag, looking through my backpack. At the bottom was the little package my brother left me.
I added another day to my journal.
It had been Seven Hundred and Eighty-Two Days.
Just over two years.
I sighed and pulled out the package. He would be Twenty today.
I opened the package for the second time and reread the note inside of it.
Keep going, Isabelle, I'm out there. I love you. I'll find you by grandma's as soon as possible. When you get there, wait for me. I'll be waiting for you too. But you need to get to -----
I dropped the package in water before I read it. But I'll get there. The sentence after talks about me meeting someone. Someone by town hall. The lighthouse is a thirty minute walk to town hall, and I sit there all day, and come back here to sleep. I've been doing it for two years.
I heard the Lighthouse door open, fear slicing through my skull. I grabbed the knife and huddled against the wall, waiting.
Sunday 8 February 2015
Calling
I thought I would try to write you a poem
because I could never explain how I felt
but my throat always tightens from sadness
at the cards that I’ve been dealt.
So I can’t tell you that my knees feel like they’ll give
or that my face is burning away
just because you acknowledge me
and leave me with nothing to say.
So I thought that I could try
to bring these to words
but I’m falling
but I’m falling
but I’m falling.
Your simple smile towards me
makes my heart jump into my throat
making my mind explode in euphoria
and escape from my emotional boat.
I get so shaky that I can’t tell if I’m cold
or if it’s just from passing you
and I think so quickly that I can’t see
I can’t see if the sky is blue.
So I need to feel your soul
I need you to hear
that I’m calling
that I’m calling
that I’m calling
you
Wednesday 4 February 2015
The Sea
I think I was swimming in an ocean of dreams
When my vision began to ebb
and the stars I was so used to seeing
Decided they wanted to go to bed
I didn’t think too much of it at first
because Jupiter began to shine so bright
and as I let my heavy head fall into the sea
My heart lifted to see it was sunlight.
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